Oh My God my appendix is going to burst…again

Without doubt every few weeks I go through an agonising phase of thinking I have appendicitis.

Every time it feels real and I spend hours upon hours just going over the painful thought of my appendix bursting and the brutal pain that it would cause.

I have all the  signs and symptoms absolutely memorised and it runs through my head and in my mind I check al the boxes of the symptoms I believe I have and the conclusion I come up with is always the same…… I HAVE APPENDICITIS!

After a few days I get over it and all the symptoms go away and I resume my life as normal.

To be honest I’m kind of in the phase now… well the beginning of it.

I think I’m developing it.

There is so many other things I could be doing with my time other than agonising over this.

Leave a comment or send me a message if you go through similar things or are suffering from hypochondria!

 

A day in my life (POV)

Wake up

My eyes are itchy. Maybe i’m getting conjunctivitis. I better google early warning signs of conjunctivitis.

Okay so it says that it would be itchy and watery and red.. my eyes are definitely itchy and i think they are watery.

Oh god they are kind of pink maybe that is what happens before it goes full on red.

What I hear in my head: Okay don’t panic just go about your day like normal and monitor your symptoms. 

At university

There are so many people here everyone seems sick. What if I catch something.

Okay everything will be fine just try to avoid getting too close to people.

Someone just coughed near you. What do you think they have. Could it just be a cold? No it definitely sounded much worse than that! 

Back home

My throat feels sore. Do I have a fever I better check to be sure.

Oh god. It is higher than usual.

My chest is starting to feel funny.

I feel like I can’t get enough oxygen in.

I better google it to be sure everything is okay.

Chest infection, lung failure, pulmonary edema, meningitis

Okay don’t panic. DO NOT PANIC

Lets check my blood pressure.

That doesn’t seem very normal. My numbers are significantly different to what it usually is at this time.

Lets book an appointment with a doctor as soon as possible.

No doctors are open this late at night.

Maybe you should go to the emergency room. It could be serious. 

I’ll just book an appointment for first thing tomorrow.

What if you die in your sleep?

What if you start to to choke in your sleep. if its a lung problem that is very possible. If its meningitis you most definitely will end up dying in your sleep. 

I’ll just sit down and take my temperature and blood pressure every 10 minutes to look for signs of improvement. I’ll also monitor if my cough is getting worse.

maybe I should read some articles about what happens in cased with pulmonary issues.

Look at that. It looks so painful. Can you deal with that amount of pain? 

Okay well I just won’t sleep tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor visit woes

Going to the doctor for me can either be a very comforting experience or one filled with great misery. either way the amount of money I spend at the doctors is miserable enough.

At times when i go to the doctor she will just listen to me and help me understand that whatever illness I believe I have that week it most certainly isn’t real. Depending on my mood I will believe her and move on and for weeks sometimes even months I am happy and worry free.

Other times its different. The worry and pain is stronger. I feel absolutely trapped in this intense agony and fear of illness. At times point my mind will give the illusion of real symptoms almost psychosomatically. I will then feel genuinely ill and when the doctor so easily dismisses my concerns well i don’t tend to take it very well. I second guess her and tend to start to panic more. The doctor appointments are only 15 minutes long which is no nearly enough time for me to ask enough questions to ease my worry or for her to explain in detail her reasoning.

I end up going home and googling my illness and the signs and symptoms and when I have my compiled list of certain facts, well certain in my point of view, I book another appointment either with the same doctor or with another doctor. Which often times yields the exact same diagnosis as the first one. By this point I am less panicked and I can get back to life.

The doctor who I saw for a few years now recently left the practice and moved to another state. I am currently lost.   I have not been able to find  doctor who listens the way she did or understands me the way she did.

Other doctors just seem to dismiss my claims and provide no explanation. I have seen 4 doctors since mine left. I have left each appointment feeling more uncomfortable and distressed each and every time.

The worst thing about a doctor I saw recently was when she had the audacity to imply her time is way more valuable than mine and that unless I was willing to pay more money I shouldn’t waste her time.

At times I feel as if doctors don’t really care about the patients and only care about the money. Which makes me genuinely sad. They are the people that we rely on. We rely on them to make us  better to make us whole again. What does it say about the world if even doctors whose entire careers are based on helping us don’t even care.

 

 

Things not to say to a hypochondriac

  1. “Stop being so dramatic”- Gee thanks why did I think of that? 
  2. “Get over it”- Wow what a great idea! I wonder why I havent ever thought of that!
  3. “I’ll leave you alone for a while”- The last thing I need is to be left alone when i am consumed with worry about my impending death. 
  4. “Just switch it off”- What a wonderful idea! Any clues as to where the switch is located? 
  5. “Why do you always act like this in the most inconvenient times”- Sorry if my overwhelming panic is a bad time for you because it is just so much fun for me! 
  6. “Stop being so irrational”- I literally cannot help being irrational. Trust me I try my absolute hardest to think rationally but when I am in my full panic mode there is no being rational. 

Hypochondriac incident

People lack the basic understanding of what hypochondria is and always proceed to tell me to “just get over it” or to “stop being so dramatic”. Like gee thanks I didn’t think of that.

I’m currently actually sick with either a bacterial or viral infection and I went on antibiotics but that didn’t seem to help. So me being me I started googling things and digging deeper by reading journal articles (I studying psychology so I end up accessing medical journals). I for a few hours became convinced that I have pneumonia although I still have not ruled it fully out.

 Because of it being Easter the doctor that I usually see is not working and really no GP is open. So I decided instead of jumping the gun and rushing to hospital I would just wait it out and try to see if it improves. Not only has it not improved but it is now worse than before. I have a fever and chills, I’m intensely coughing and my nose is beyond blocked.

I’m from Australia so there is this number you can call to talk to a nurse to see if you need to go to hospital or something immediately. So I called them and she proceeded to tell me that my so called fever was actually not really a fever. At which point I was angry and frustrated that she wasn’t taking me seriously. By the time I got off the phone I was convinced that I was probably going to die tonight. I was panicking more than I usually do when I’m sick and I could feel my heart beating faster and my breathing getting more intense. Whilst I was so clearly in distress my mother  decided that now would be a good time to yell at me for always being so dramatic.

The night progressed and honestly all I wanted was a hug and to be told that I was going to be okay. But all I got was more shouting. My mom was finishing some work that is due tomorrow so I get that they are stressed but to shout uncontrollably when I am so clearly not okay is NOT okay.

They then proceeded to tell me that it is my fault that they haven’t finished the project yet because I have been so distracting and I should just stop being so screwed up all the time.

 I wish that they would feel what I feel for one single day. To feel the panic, the pain, the sheer terror of some crazy illness and possible painful death.

 I don’t wake up and decide that today is going to be a good day for a bad hypochondria incident. I don’t do it on purpose. I know it can be annoying. But when I’m panicking I honestly and truly cannot calm down instantly or to think rationally.

 I just wish people would understand.

 

How hypochondria affects me

Being a hypochondriac I generally get really paranoid when i’m in big crowds especially if it is around flu season as I am always convinced that I will get some deadly virus.

Going to university can be tough sometimes as it requires me to be around people all day long and there is always someone who is sick. Usually when I get home I have some symptoms of whatever illness i witnessed today. So I will start by keeping an eye on it and maybe googling a few things.

Often times it doesn’t just stop there for me. I get really into reading everything on google and then move onto journal articles about rare cases of people dying from the common cold or something ridiculous like that. See right now I can see how stupid and ridiculous that is. But when I am going through a hypochondriac incident I have absolutely no control over it and I end up being so irrational.

When I actually am sick is when it is the worst. That is when I have panic attacks because I become convinced I have a incurable disease that will lead to a slow and painful death. It is again ridiculous and irrational.

I think what it impacts most is my relationship with my family. They don’t really understand it and they often times just think i’m being dramatic.

My life as a hypochondriac

I’m currently 20 years old and I have hypochondria. I do not take any medication for it mainly because the only ones i have been offered are antidepressants which have major side effects that I most certainly do not want to deal with.

My life can be very stressful and very humours at times trying to manage a normal life whilst being a hypochondriac so I thought I would share it with all of you!

Some post will be funny whilst others will really delve into the serious side of being a hypochondriac.